Chronicles of Jed

I came across this verse on a school building during my trip to medical appt this wk.

Proverbs 1:7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge

i remembered when i first read this verse, i did not understand it at all. 5 yrs ago, when i read it, the God i know is not loving at all. He's always this BIG furious God that wants everybody to fear Him. The BIG BULLY! Throughout this 5 yrs, i grew up and became more mature. I realised, that the fear, is not wat i thought it was 5 yrs back. This fear, is not fearing wat God will do to u if u did something wrong, but fearing how much it will hurt Him if u did something wrong. Fear of making him disappointed. It's to honour Him in reverence. After this 5 yrs, He's still BIG as usual, but not that furious after all. He accepted me for who I am, loved me when no one else would. He wants me to fear Him. not in a 'I-WILL-ZAP-YOU-IF-YOU-DO-SOMETHING-WRONG' but to take Him into consideration with every step and action i make.

This coming Easter will mark my 5th year in Church. Time flies. I have grown so much, yet it just seems like im running on a threadmill. Clocking the distance, but end of the day, still at the start. I mentioned to my platoon mate, a Catholic today. It's hard to balance between army and God sometimes. In fact, there shouldn't be a balance from the start, it should be God in you, in everywhere you're in. God in Army. Sad to say, im not quite up to it yet. I still make mistakes, still having doubts from time to time, is it God speaking to me? or me speaking to myself? I still find myself struggling on my own problems, unable to lean on God. I never had, cause i haf never understood it. Sometimes i tink i got it, other times i feel im no where there. Sometimes, i feel i haf just lost it the day i gave up. To build a broken relationship takes time, lots of trust and effort.

Sometimes, i really want to be right back 5 yrs ago. when, everything is just so simple, where being in the presence is just so in reach. Now, apparently my growth in knowledge has driftened me apart from this presence. I need to lift up this veil once again. Cos the bible hasn't say my growth in knowledge will make me fear the Lord. That will probably be my thinking 5 yrs back. but now understanding 'fear of the Lord', i tink i got everything topsy turvy.

I need to fear God, den it will be the beginning of all my knowledge, all the answers that i am seeking for, for myself, for others.

the 6 wks revolution, will be mending my mistakes, breaking the habits, and turning this verse to work correctly for myself.

Today is Good Friday. Today is the day i must learn to take a step.