Chronicles of Jed

it's 5.18am in the morning.

For the past few days i've just been slping and doing nothing significant at all. Perhaps the issue wif my grandpa left me reeling with a down morale, and eating just dun seem wise anymore. Anyway today i find myself sleeping on the couch since 10pm till now, wif missed calls n sms-es from frantic groupmates. Just like to apologise for my actions if i have not been playing my role as a leader. Got to pick myself up first.

I find my life all about building relationship with people. I realised im nothing more than that. Just a listener, a comforter and a friend. Im not some talented guy in anything. Just an average joe in whatever things i do. Those 3 things are the things that i can speak of, but i haven't done my best in the past few months at all. Perhaps i do not dare to do it all over again.

I find myself putting too much into every relationships that i commit with people. I always thought that was most important, to be truthful and nothing less to each of them. Thus i build everything of myself on each significant individuals. In the end, i earned what was due to me, but soon i realised there's a cost for all my actions.

I grew very emotionally attached to all of them, i yearn to listen to what they have to share, always wanting to offer any forms of help if available. But i come to realise, if they give up on that relationship first, or if anything happened to them, somehow the attachment will be torn apart, leaving me reeling in the after-effects.

One incident has caused me to be never be the same. I degraded myself in a matter of months, picking up all the wrong habits, the lust for worldly life just took me over. What was taught in 2 years, i find no meaning at all. Doubts just clouded my mind. Am i still what she said i was? In the end, it doesn't even matter.

A double edged sword. The benefits that everyone gets to enjoy from a rls with me. Yet a fatal cost that i will have to bear alone.

I wish i was selfish at times, didn't have to care since the benefits i get is so insignificant compared to the cost i have to pay. In a biz minded, this is considered high risk low return investment.

Yet i knew, without doing this investment. Jed is worthless.

This sentence of jed or junwei? the sentence that made an impact in my life, yet the impacter is gone.

So here i am, picking myself up in this new year. With only one barrier to break.

thanks for the support, u know who you are.